I’m going through and backdating some older entries that are favorite things I’ve written/posted through the years.
“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”
– Mitch Albom
Today I found out that someone who I count as one of my life’s loves, died. I just wrote that. It’s an actual true sentence and when I say I’m not exactly sure how to go on being the person I was before I found that out? I am not exaggerating in the least.
You know how people say I feel like a part of my died with that person? I feel that and I am trying so hard to reject it because I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to be sad. I keep saying that because it’s true. I don’t want to be. Feeling sad fucking sucks. I want to go back to the time before I heard that voicemail and returned that call. I want my friend to not be dead. I want to not be here, spilling tears on my keyboard and saying to you that I loved this person and they’re gone and not coming back.
Death has this super sharp way of realigning your focus. It’s a punch in the gut, but it happens. I have all of these memories and feelings and just…stuff and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m trying to go on with putting one proverbial foot in front of the other – left, right, left, right but everything just feels so damn stupid and pointless.
I know the sadness breaks, I know. I’m way too practical not to recognize that but in the meantime the weight of it is just massive. I function better writing my feelings out than trying to articulate them – so that’s why I’m here. I waffled on whether or not to talk about it at all because what I shared with this person who is no longer here was so fiercely personal and important to who I am as a human being. There will never be a day that I’m on this Earth that I’m not thankful for having known him.
I don’t know if I’ll write about or mention this again because I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. What I know right now is that my heart is heavy and my friend is gone and I just….I’m sad.
*I’m going through and backdating some of my favorite things I’ve written. So, if this seems familiar – it’s old :)
9 years and 1 day ago we stood in the living room of our then apartment, in front of two of our friends and a justice of the peace that we picked at random from a list. Standing there, we said words to one another, ones that I don’t even remember, but when it was all said and done you were my husband and I was your wife.
I’m pretty sure looking back, that I didn’t know then what being someone’s wife actually meant but I hope that in 9 years and 1 day that I’ve shown you that whatever being a wife really is, I want to be the best possible one for you.
You have taught me so much about…well, everything. You have literally shown me (parts of) the world. You have taught me a level of patience I never thought existed in me. You showed me that loving someone, REALLY loving someone is not about pomp and circumstance, that at the end of the day it’s not about grand gestures and things (though are you are also good at those). When I am frenzied, you are where I find calmness. A bad day always gets a hug. Your laughter never ceases to make me smile. Never.
I always tell people, married & unmarried that marriage is a work in progress, that it’s hard work. And those things really are true – but in this 9 years and 1 day, you have shown me that any work we’ve put in this relationship together is well worth the reward we’re given. I hope that whatever I did in this life that God decided I deserved you, I never mess it up.
Let me be completely honest, I’m only really blogging because I’m trying to keep my mind busy so it will stop thinking about my need to pee. I know holding it is bad but I don’t want to go because I’m wearing tights and I hate having to pull them down and up. ULTIMATE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
Right after I wrote that last sentence I went to pee, so no links about bladder health or incontinence, okay?
Last Saturday I chaperoned a party for my niece. Let’s just say – I never want to chaperone another party in life. Teenagers these days are not the teenagers of yore, TRUST ME ON THIS. Yes, I quietly turned into my mother while you weren’t looking. It’s what I do. Thank God I still have these two little ones to try to guide into sanity.
Beyond that, I’ve been trying to clean & purge my apartment. I think we’re fast approaching the point in which we can not deny that we need at least one more bedroom. God willing and the creek don’t rise, we’ll need that space for a baby & not more stuff, but in the meantime – we have a lot of stuff.
Happy Birthday to one of my life’s greatest loves. I hear you laugh and my heart skips a beat, I see you smile and I can’t help but do the same. Even when I don’t like you very much, I love you beyond reason – you are my babe, my Paco & so much more. I hope that this next year of your life is everything you want it to be and beyond – you are so deserving of that. Elephant shoe <3