I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, but there was a gigantic hurricane here on the east coast. We’re fine. Thanks to all of you who texted me or @‘ed me on twitter – I appreciate you. In lieu of all of the “OMG DANGER” alerts that were so pervasive – I’m feeling relieved that we were largely unscathed and sending my positive vibes to everyone who was affected. Having your life disrupted sucks. Less we not forget The Derecho of 2012. I’m mostly just writing about this because I want to remember it. I also want it to serve as a reminder that the news has become so sensational that I need to just remain aware and then tune out the rest. I hope you’re dry, safe & happy wherever you are :)

In a haphazard moment, you come rushing to the front of my mind. I try not to think about you too long because inevitably that means tears. I want so badly to replace those tears with smiles and the good stuff but memories don’t really work like that. They do their own thing – steal your joy, take your breath and knock you to your knees. Memories, they can be jerks.

Sometimes I feel regret, usually it’s paired with a giant helping of guilt. I always wanted better for you. Better for me. Better for us. And I know better. I know this is not what I’m supposed to think or feel. I know that what came to pass was better for me and ultimately I’d hoped it would be better for you.

I text your Mom instead of calling her because when I hear her voice my heart feels like it’s on fire. Today she told me that the woman who loved you after me has a new boyfriend and has for quite some time. I wish I were the kind of person who could take that piece of information, shelf it & never think about it again – but I’m not. I know everyone has to go on but I’ll be honest – I’m judging that she did it so soon.

I miss you all the time. I’m happy though, except when I’m not :) I know you can’t hurry healing but I want to be in that space where every time that I speak your name, it fills me with joy. I want to be better. For you. For me.

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