Every night that I go to bed and say my prayers (which isn’t every night because real talk – sometimes I fall asleep in the middle or before I start) I pray for the regular cast of characters – my mom, my siblings, The Ethiopian etc. but I also pray for my ex-boyfriend who died a couple of years ago, as well as his mom. I guess, when I think about it – it’s weird to pray for someone who’s dead because if you believe in that kind of thing – they’re already in God’s care, but he was always a mainstay in my prayers and taking him out feels wrong. So, I pray.

The last few nights I asked in my prayers that God remind me to call his mom – I like to stay in touch with her and his death has been this tremendous thing that has really brought her life to a standstill in a lot of ways. Of course, God is not Siri and I should have just set myself a reminder to call her but I didn’t. And yesterday as I was driving home from work, singing along to Jennifer Lopez – a car pulled into my lane and I looked up and there were his initials.

I’m not someone who is overly religious or even overly spiritual but I try to listen when the universe speaks and it felt like a gentle hello and also a reminder to make that phone call I’d yet to make. And so I did and it was nice. She always sounds so happy to hear from me and it’s nice to be able to talk about him in a way that doesn’t end in tears for either of us.

It still feels incredulous to think about the reality of it all. That he was here and then he wasn’t. To go from speaking to him to speaking about him in the past tense. I owe a lot of who I am to the person that he was and I just never want to forget that.

Randomly, someone liked an ancient photo I’d posted on flickr which made me think about someone from my past. I find that often when relationships sour, after I’ve gone through the various stages of grief and then rationalizing – that I’m pretty solid at moving on. But I do sometimes have moments when I think – what would it be like to be friends with that person again?

I don’t feel this about a lot of people – and for that, I am absolutely thankful because sometimes I think dredging those things up is just a really, really bad idea.

I wonder if there is a point of no return? A time in which so much time has lapsed in a relationship that it’s just unable to be recovered. And, moreover – is it ever a good idea, even if you feel that the relationship didn’t fail at your hands – to say, let’s just not do this thing anymore?

I don’t know – just thoughts tumbling around in my brain.

– sleeping with the windows open

– the way new clothes smell

– snapchats (and texts and skype) with Sarah

–  blush

– glittery lip gloss