Maybe it’s that summer is practically gone and the light is shorter and the days cooler but I’m feeling the need to just look around, take stock and re-focus. I feel like my life has just been slightly off-kilter since I got back from Ethiopia and I just need to nudge it back into place.

I want to make sure I spend some time meditating and maybe reading The Bible daily. I’ve never been what anyone would call religious but I believe in God and I like what prayer does for my spirit. I also just want to spend more time reading in general. I read a few books while I was on vacation and I kept the momentum going for a bit when I came back but lately I’ve been failing.

I also want to just try really hard to stay as organized as possible. If you saw the desk in my bedroom, you’d probably recoil in horror as I do every day when I look at it.

I’m also looking to try to focus on my finances. My husband is the saver and regrettably, his wife is the spender and oh, how I can spend. I’m such an in the moment person that I just know I’m going to blink, be 74 and still have to work and that is just not a reality I want for myself. So, if you see me in your local Sephora or Nordstrom – tell me to go home.

Finally, because it’s cool – I have no excuse at all for not getting my ass up and going out for a walk. Unless you count “I don’t want to” which is the excuse I’ve been using. This one will probably be the most difficult one because me and exercise are like Batman & The Joker – but I’m putting it out there.

Ultimately, I just want to make sure that I’m doing all of the things I know need to be done. Procrastination is kind of cute when you’re 15, but it’s ridiculous when you’re…you know, not 15 ;)

I speak often about my in-laws and more specifically, of my older nieces (nieces because of our age and ease of explanation). They are a HUGE part of my life and to speak of them and not express the profound gratitude that I feel that God chose us for one another would be short-sighted. It’s not a contest, but if it were – I’d win because they simply can not be bested.

A year ago today, all of our lives changed forever. Theirs, absolutely more than my own, but still, we are family and we grieve together. There is no sense to be made of the fact that they – young and with the world at their feet – would have to say goodbye to their father, one of the absolute kindest human beings I’ll know in my lifetime – but that was God’s design and it guts me.

To see someone you love in the way that I love my nieces hurt and feel an absolute sense of uselessness is devastating. I pray often that somehow, some way, as the days go by that their sadness becomes less acute.

The very last thing their father said to me was “take care of them” and I will spend every single moment of my life with that in my heart and mind. I want to love them the way that I feel loved by them and I can give them even half of what they give me, I think I’d be doing okay.

Lilz & Munz – I love you. To the moon and back a million times. You bring me a joy unparalleled – THC FOREVER <3

I find that often, my most thoughtful writing is born from extreme emotion; sadness, anger, happiness. When I am ripe with any of them, words tumble around in my brain incessantly. I fill up tiny scraps of paper that fall to the bottom of my purse – often with just a sentence or two.

Writing has always been an outlet for me but I find that lately, more days than not I have to remind myself how cathartic it actually is to let the words escape from my brain and allow myself to sort everything out in black and white.

I’m never quite sure exactly what I want from this space (or any of the multitudinous domains I’ve owned) but I know that writing online makes me feel sated in ways that I would be hard-pressed to try to explain. I could write in a journal – but there is something about speaking to everyone and no one.

I admire the kind of people who can say to themselves that they’re just not going to worry or think about a particular something at any given point. I, however, am my mother’s child and was not gifted that ability.

I feel like the more I age, the more likely I am to fret over things both big and small. It’s not an outward ordeal or something that prevents me from living my life but more of an internal static that I can’t quite turn off. If there is a particular something weighing heavy on my mind, I will often lay in bed at night running back scenarios or replaying conversations until I fall asleep.

I suppose part of this is very classically the O in OCD and it’s definitely something I try to actively work on. When I see myself hyper-focusing, I try to push whatever it is out of my mind by redirecting my brain onto something else. This is usually moderately effective. Or a failure :)

I say all of this to say I want to be the kind of person who just lets go. Who just says to themselves – it’s over, let it go and then actually does that. I’m not sure how I’m going to reinforce this but I guess acknowledging it is a start?