I woke up some time in the middle of the night to the sound of The Ethiopian’s laughter coming from our living room. Initially I frowned, angry that I’d been awakened from a peaceful slumber. It was no short burst of laughter, he kept laughing as whatever inspired his happiness was damn good. I felt the muscles in my fave relaxing as my frown gave into something else. There in the dark – I remembered how much I love that laugh, and the face from which it comes. And so, with a smile on my own face, I turned over and fell back asleep.
Do you ever pay attention to how many things you’re doing at once? I often find myself sitting on my couch – texting, watching tv and with my laptop in my lap tweeting or using pinterest. I’m coming off of a short, social media sabbatical in which I decided I really need to just press pause and let myself exist sometimes without doing. Sometimes, it’s like my brain is a browser with a bunch of different tabs open and I just kind of shuffle through them at will and once the day has wound down, it’s hard to just click the x and shut it all down.
Since we came back from Ethiopia in early August my job has been, for lack of a better word, bananas. My days off are few and far between and all of a sudden, I realized that I was burning both ends of the proverbial candle. I also carry a sense of guilt about not being able to spend my time with the people that I love and knowing that they’ve noted my absence. Thankfully, my friends are the special kind who get that this will pass and eventually they’ll get to have me back.
During my social media quiet time, I tried to just disconnect a little more – less looking at my iphone, less tv, less “noise” (digital and otherwise) – I prayed a lot, tried to meditate a bit (I’m still quite horrible at this) and I think I might have worn The Ethiopian down enough that he’s going to agree that we should get a kitten…maybe.
All of this is to say, I’m very tired and I recognize that I need to take care of myself. And if you’re my friend and you’re reading this – I love you and I’ll see you soon.
Things I love lately – in no particular order
+ The new Taylor Swift album, 1989 – I’m not making any excuses, I like what I like
+ That Mercury is FINALLY out of retrograde. That was TOUGH.
+ Jane The Virgin – do yourself a favor and just watch it, it’s so, so good.
+ Cooler nights = more cuddling
+ Nars Audacious lipsticks. HOLY CRAP THEY ARE SO GOOD! I want them all but at $32, they are a treat. A beautifully, luxurious treat.
Every night that I go to bed and say my prayers (which isn’t every night because real talk – sometimes I fall asleep in the middle or before I start) I pray for the regular cast of characters – my mom, my siblings, The Ethiopian etc. but I also pray for my ex-boyfriend who died a couple of years ago, as well as his mom. I guess, when I think about it – it’s weird to pray for someone who’s dead because if you believe in that kind of thing – they’re already in God’s care, but he was always a mainstay in my prayers and taking him out feels wrong. So, I pray.
The last few nights I asked in my prayers that God remind me to call his mom – I like to stay in touch with her and his death has been this tremendous thing that has really brought her life to a standstill in a lot of ways. Of course, God is not Siri and I should have just set myself a reminder to call her but I didn’t. And yesterday as I was driving home from work, singing along to Jennifer Lopez – a car pulled into my lane and I looked up and there were his initials.
I’m not someone who is overly religious or even overly spiritual but I try to listen when the universe speaks and it felt like a gentle hello and also a reminder to make that phone call I’d yet to make. And so I did and it was nice. She always sounds so happy to hear from me and it’s nice to be able to talk about him in a way that doesn’t end in tears for either of us.
It still feels incredulous to think about the reality of it all. That he was here and then he wasn’t. To go from speaking to him to speaking about him in the past tense. I owe a lot of who I am to the person that he was and I just never want to forget that.
Randomly, someone liked an ancient photo I’d posted on flickr which made me think about someone from my past. I find that often when relationships sour, after I’ve gone through the various stages of grief and then rationalizing – that I’m pretty solid at moving on. But I do sometimes have moments when I think – what would it be like to be friends with that person again?
I don’t feel this about a lot of people – and for that, I am absolutely thankful because sometimes I think dredging those things up is just a really, really bad idea.
I wonder if there is a point of no return? A time in which so much time has lapsed in a relationship that it’s just unable to be recovered. And, moreover – is it ever a good idea, even if you feel that the relationship didn’t fail at your hands – to say, let’s just not do this thing anymore?
I don’t know – just thoughts tumbling around in my brain.