Still social distancing, still not easy. J told me early on that her therapist said to shoot for a C grade, passing and that has absolutely stuck with me. Lately, I’ve taken to saying I’m at level which is probably my C equivalent.

It’s hard to try to just be because that not the way that any of us were taught to exist and so I keep reminding myself that by and large, there is nothing that needs to be done and everything will still be there when this is over.

Tuesday we watched the virtual funeral for Eteye Woudnesh an it was hard. Nobody likes funerals but I would avoid them at all costs if I could and yet, it felt odd to not be there for her because she was someone who I adored a great deal and who was very special to The Ethiopian. The ceremony was lovely and I’m glad our family across the world was able to see it as well and I’m glad she’s at peace. We’re going to miss her so much.

I miss work. I miss people. And I still know that this is absolutely for the best but it is hard. So hard. I’m trying to write because I do think it’s important to remember how we navigated these things. Plus, let’s be real – I’m not going to journal on paper.

I’m going to look back at this time and be like – what the hell were you doing when you couldn’t be bothered to update this thing? The answer is absolutely nothing. It’s kind of like Groundhog’s Day (I have never watched this in entirety so if I’m wrong – my bad) with a few mitigating variables. I know, K – N – O – W, how lucky I am to have a home and a partner who is still working and, and, and but it still feels so weird to not be actively working and to be pretty much indoors all day every day.

Also worth nothing – I wrote the above paragraph about a week ago and then promptly closed the window because my brain is a salad spinner incapable of standing still. Today I saw my godbaby from 6 feet away and it was joyful and sad and torturous but I managed to not cry so I’m counting the visit as a victory.

I keep expecting to wake up and feel different and maybe therein lies the problem – it’s never going to not feel dystopian to have to be in your home all day, every day. And I do fully recognize that it’s necessary but it is also pushing against the extrovert in me in every way.

Let’s face it – planning what you’re going to cook is the absolute pits. I feel like 86% of my mental capacity on any given day is spent trying to decide what I need to add to my instacart/amazon carts and subsequently, what I’m going to cook with the ingredients from those carts. So, I figured I would share some links to things I’ve cooked in recent days that are worth your time. If you have suggestions for me please send them to me on twitter or instagram dm me

Panda Express Copycat Black Pepper Chicken
Indian Style Creamed Spinach
Butternut Squash Ravioli With Brown Butter Sauce, Spinach + Walnuts (I skipped the walnuts because I didn’t have any and it was still wildly delicious)
Easy chocolate mousse (SO GOOD! I strongly suggest mixing dark chocolate w/ semisweet or some combo therein)
Chrissy Teigen’s Split Pea Soup w/ Crispy Hot Dogs from her cookbook, Cravings (I know, seems weird, was delicious)

This morning I woke up slowly after not being able to fall asleep until around 4. Normally caffeine doesn’t phase me but with everything else in this world going on I suppose I need to be more mindful of how sensitive my body has become.

Because all of the days are bleeding together I decided to try to do today a little different so I got up and showered before I even came down for my coffee. I put on one of my favorite chemises, a pair of earrings and a little perfume. I’m hoping this will be the buoy I need to keep me in a good mental space through the day.

It’s bizarre to think that we could be doing this exact thing 2 or 3 months from now but the alternative is so grim – we all just have to readjust and try to do our best. I think a new routine for now would be beneficial for me and I miss the mornings because I’m so productive and motivated during the earlier part of the day so this week the kid is gonna try to get it together. Hope wherever you are reading this that you too are safe and happy.

I woke up this morning fully prepared to do absolutely nothing as most of us are since pandemic and all but I quickly righted my ship and took a long walk while the weather was beautiful. It was so nice to be outdoors and feel the sun on my skin. Obviously, there’s nothing really preventing me from setting on my porch or going out into my backyard except my own neuroses and so moving my body and being outside felt so, so good. I idled back, took a shower and made lunch. I contemplated napping but ended up sitting on my stoop and reading for a bit. My neighbor has a wildly aggressive colony of wasps under her porch and once they started to get loud enough that I could hear them, I came inside. I made dinner and sat with M and I’ve been in bed watching the final two episodes of Elementary off and on for a bit while Shiro sleeps contentedly next to me. All in all, not a bad day.

My communication bandwidth has been running low. I love my people so deeply but I am also in this weird space where part of me just wants to be quiet until I don’t. That is a weird sentence to type, especially from me because all talk, all the time but these are weird times, I guess.