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Signs

Every night that I go to bed and say my prayers (which isn’t every night because real talk – sometimes I fall asleep in the middle or before I start) I pray for the regular cast of characters – my mom, my siblings, The Ethiopian etc. but I also pray for my ex-boyfriend who died a couple of years ago, as well as his mom. I guess, when I think about it – it’s weird to pray for someone who’s dead because if you believe in that kind of thing – they’re already in God’s care, but he was always a mainstay in my prayers and taking him out feels wrong. So, I pray.

The last few nights I asked in my prayers that God remind me to call his mom – I like to stay in touch with her and his death has been this tremendous thing that has really brought her life to a standstill in a lot of ways. Of course, God is not Siri and I should have just set myself a reminder to call her but I didn’t. And yesterday as I was driving home from work, singing along to Jennifer Lopez – a car pulled into my lane and I looked up and there were his initials.

I’m not someone who is overly religious or even overly spiritual but I try to listen when the universe speaks and it felt like a gentle hello and also a reminder to make that phone call I’d yet to make. And so I did and it was nice. She always sounds so happy to hear from me and it’s nice to be able to talk about him in a way that doesn’t end in tears for either of us.

It still feels incredulous to think about the reality of it all. That he was here and then he wasn’t. To go from speaking to him to speaking about him in the past tense. I owe a lot of who I am to the person that he was and I just never want to forget that.

Since You Been Gone

I thought about you and I felt the breath catch in my lungs. Time has been good to me, almost too good – I sometimes feel guilty that I’m not impossibly sad that you’re not here anymore. I sometimes say your name just to hear it – it is bittersweet.

I think about your smile. I think about your laugh. I think about how you let me down. I think about how angry you could make me. I think about your ability to love in spite of. I think about those last minutes; how you were here and then you weren’t anymore.

Yeah, I know life ain’t fair but sometimes the cruelty of it all is almost too much to bear.

To try to make sense of it all would be foolish – I don’t have the answers or the strength to figure it all out. I’m guessing I never will.

Remember

I remember how you would tell me that you didn’t really care that much for Christmas because I broke up with you during that time. I could never tell if you were saying it to make me feel bad (I did) or if you really felt that – ruining Christmas for someone is kind of awful. I remember that later we (I?) kind of laughed about it – I wish I’d handled that better.

I texted with your Mom this week – she visits your grave quite often and she makes you the most beautiful flower arrangements. She always sends pictures and she calls me by that name that only the two of you ever did & it always makes me smile. Sometimes she sends me emails & I read them in her voice & imagine reading them to you and laughing.

Time keeps moving, almost too fast. There’s so much I’d love to call and tell you. Sigh. Merry Christmas.

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