I’ve been trying to write this post for just shy of a week. I open the tab, start writing and walk away. I delete everything and close the tab, I’ll come back, I say. I come back – lather, rinse, repeat. I don’t know that I’m going to feel better after I write it but at least I will have done it.
Last week was weird. The first week since all of this begun that didn’t feel quite as heavy. It’s still incredibly hard to be away from people you love deeply but here we (still) are.
Monday, in our normal Duo – was the first time since I’ve known that THE MOVE was happening that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with J. It’s not that I don’t feel safe in that space but more that my heart is breaking about being away from them. The pandemic changed everything. Everything. Took away our ability to spend these final days together. Forced the move to happen sooner. Separated me and the baby and I hate it so deeply I can’t even put it in words. I know this change is right and good for their family but it is so hard. We’ll be fine. I know we will be fine but it’s also facing the fact that things will be different because they have to be different.
For more than a decade we’ve forged this bond – a relationship that is incredibly rich, forgiving, educating, thoughtful, fun and loving and that’s changing and I am sad about it. So sad.
I guess I’d avoided writing about it because it would feel real and because I know I’d be hovering over this keyboard a mess of snot and tears (spoiler alert: that is exactly what is happening). Again – I’m so happy for them. This is such an exciting new chapter and it holds so much promise and goodness but they’re such an integral part of my chosen family that it seems impossible that I’ll ever be able to reconcile how my life looks without them in it the way they were before the pandemic.
Again, we will be fine. I know this. Because we chose one another and because we love each other – it will be okay. But for now – I’m just going to allow myself to be sad.