So, this morning we went to the fancy new branch of our insurance provider and saw a really nice -ologist who gave us some news we didn’t want to hear.

Through the years – we’d been lead to believe that having a baby was not going to be that big of a deal, but as it turns out – that was a lie. One where the odds are not ever in our favor (shout out Hunger Games!). I’m not making light of this situation because I think it’s funny – I’m a minimizer and humor is how I cope, so bear with me.

I don’t really know how to reconcile what I feel with the reality of the situation because I never really believed that it would come to this. We have one more hurdle to clear before a final no or a wishy-washy maybe is given to us but it’s not looking strong.

Yes, I know that there are other ways to be a parent. Trust me – I. Know. But those are avenues we probably won’t pursue for a myriad of reasons I’m not prepared to justify. At the end of the day our lives have no shortage of children and I love my husband past the moon and stars and I know we’ll be okay no matter what.

Thank you for your kinds words, thoughts, wishes, prayers – I haven’t figured out a way to really engage via comments with my current content management system but I saw everything you said and we appreciate it.

I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to write about this at all because it’s not just about me. But before you skip around or get excited because the title of this post has the word baby in it – I am not pregnant. I’m leading with that because apparently when you’ve married for oh, 10 minutes – people start asking you when you’re going to be pregnant. I never get upset about it because I know it comes from a good place – people really, really want us to have a baby & please believe me when I tell you that we really, really want to have one too.

But (always a but!), life is never quite so simple. The Ethiopian has a medical condition that he’s had for years and years. I don’t want to go too far into the details but we’ve recently found out that said condition is going to make things a bit tricky in the making a baby department. There are -ologists to see and people to consult and we will do that in the coming weeks and months so we can see exactly what we’re up against.

Since we’re friends ;) I feel comfortable telling you that when we got our first set of test results back, I laid in bed and cried. Kind of a lot. It’s one thing to know in the dusty, attic part of your brain that it might be hard or that it might not happen but seeing the reality in black and white was, for me, terrifying.

I realize that there’s nothing that can be done until we’ve seen the people who know better than me or google, but in the meantime facing the fact that becoming the someone you always thought you’d be might not be a possibility? Again, terrifying.

We’re optimistic and our first -ologist seemed the same so I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself. In the interim, if you’re someone who believes in prayer or just the power of positive thinking – I’ll take what you’ve got :)

– The new Bruno Mars album (Unorthodox Jukebox)
– Frank Ocean’s Pyramids from 4:40 on
– Remembering to buy thank you cards
– Crying from laughter
– Parenthood on NBC