Seven years ago today, I underwent weight loss surgery. A vertical banded gastroplasty with a sleeve, if we’re being technical. I can remember that day like it was …..maybe last week (not yesterday). The nurse was named Sugar (!) and my anesthesiologist was the nicest human being on Earth. My surgeon showed up early – something everyone told me he never did and I took that as a sign of good fortune. Things went well and I remember recovering in a room with a young lady who at the time, had been on suicide watch and had a round the clock nurse.

Seven years later and my surgery was a technical success. Much emphasis is placed on how we look, and the size of our pants and while the decision I made was a tough one – it was the right one for me. I’ve yet to have a stitch of plastic surgery and I’m still fat (I am, it’s okay) but I would not change that decision for anything in this world. Not one thing or a million.

(December 2006)

Day of Surgery
(Day of surgery)

(Last week)

“Do you have kid?” The dental hygienist asked me in broken English as she walked me to the little station where I sit with someone who’ll give me a free toothbrush and toothpaste and tell me they’ll see me again in six months. “No.” My brain is whirring – I think I’ve responded too quickly, so I hurriedly follow it up with “I love them though. I love babies and kids.”

We joke about the baby’s gender – a girl, they’re better. Of course, I agreed – they are. I wish her luck with the rest of her pregnancy and she leaves with a quick smile.

I always saw myself as a parent. I dreamt of brown babies, kept a list of names for a dream. And as woeful as that sounds, now that my identity has shifted and as the reality of that slim possibility have become more concrete- I’m okay.

It’s been difficult for me to talk about – more because I know that people know just how much I adore children and those closer to me know that it was never a matter of not wanting.

People never seem to stop asking married people about when kids are coming & having to say they aren’t and seeing their crestfallen faces was so hard, that sometimes I just lied.

Life never goes according to your plans. Never. But that’s okay, I’m okay.

I unexpectedly got the day off today but unfortunately didn’t find out that tidbit of information until I’d gotten dressed and gone out to my car. No worries, I got coffee and came back home and put my pajamas back on – I know how to take it to the max!

Earlier today, I went grocery shopping because somewhere along the way – I seem to have misplaced my ability to effectively plan and execute a meal at home. Remember when I was the person who cooked and photographed their meals all the time? I miss that person. And it’s absolutely not as if I stopped liking food – I LOVE IT, but lately it just seems that I love it MORE when I’m not the one cooking it.

I have absolutely no excuses at all except my waning motivation. I have more cookbooks than should be allowed and I actually do know my way around the kitchen. My pinterest board (aptly called delicious) is a thing of wonder and I even made a category for this blog called “bon vivant“ – failure.

I’m going to try to rally because I can and I should. If you see me wandering up and down the aisles of your local Trader Joe’s, feel free to lend me your moral support :)

I went to lunch with my friend Emily today after we tossed around 73 where should we go suggestions back and forth. Because she lives so far away, we don’t go to see one another nearly enough as either of us would like but I still count her as one of my very dearest friends. I could go on and and about how fantastic she is but you’re going to have to just trust me on this otherwise this will read like a terrible love letter.

I just realized that we’ve been friends for almost 20 years. TWENTY. That basically does’t even add up in my tiny brain but we have.

Today, in just a small, random moment she said the kindest thing about our friendship. I’m keeping the specifics in my pocket because it meant a lot to me (and you won’t care) but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you’re doing something that makes someone else feel good inside. Not all friendships are the same, a point Emily made today and so that means that they don’t all get the same space in your life. You can’t be afraid to let go when it’s necessary to do so but it’s just as important to know when you need to dig in and hold on tight.

Sure, friendship is about kindness and compassion and all that good stuff that you learn through the years, but it’s also about honesty and equality. I’d like to think that I am a good friend because I have good friends. They bring out the best in me and for that, I am eternally thankful.

Randomly getting tomorrow off is a blessing I’m disguise. It means that I can lay on this couch and lazily tap out this blog entry via my phone.

It also means that I can show you a few photos from my weekend, finish up last week’s episode of Bones and maybe warm a slice of pizza before Game of Thrones. Oh, by the way – if you order your pizza online like I do but haven’t logged into your account in a long time – double-check your address or risk sending your pizza to an apartment you lived at SEVEN years ago :(

At any rate – if you’re the Easter celebrating type – I hope you had a great one! If not, I hope you had a good Sunday.

20140420-202702.jpg 20140420-202725.jpg