Still social distancing, still not easy. J told me early on that her therapist said to shoot for a C grade, passing and that has absolutely stuck with me. Lately, I’ve taken to saying I’m at level which is probably my C equivalent.
It’s hard to try to just be because that not the way that any of us were taught to exist and so I keep reminding myself that by and large, there is nothing that needs to be done and everything will still be there when this is over.
Tuesday we watched the virtual funeral for Eteye Woudnesh an it was hard. Nobody likes funerals but I would avoid them at all costs if I could and yet, it felt odd to not be there for her because she was someone who I adored a great deal and who was very special to The Ethiopian. The ceremony was lovely and I’m glad our family across the world was able to see it as well and I’m glad she’s at peace. We’re going to miss her so much.
I miss work. I miss people. And I still know that this is absolutely for the best but it is hard. So hard. I’m trying to write because I do think it’s important to remember how we navigated these things. Plus, let’s be real – I’m not going to journal on paper.
I’m going to look back at this time and be like – what the hell were you doing when you couldn’t be bothered to update this thing? The answer is absolutely nothing. It’s kind of like Groundhog’s Day (I have never watched this in entirety so if I’m wrong – my bad) with a few mitigating variables. I know, K – N – O – W, how lucky I am to have a home and a partner who is still working and, and, and but it still feels so weird to not be actively working and to be pretty much indoors all day every day.
Also worth nothing – I wrote the above paragraph about a week ago and then promptly closed the window because my brain is a salad spinner incapable of standing still. Today I saw my godbaby from 6 feet away and it was joyful and sad and torturous but I managed to not cry so I’m counting the visit as a victory.
I keep expecting to wake up and feel different and maybe therein lies the problem – it’s never going to not feel dystopian to have to be in your home all day, every day. And I do fully recognize that it’s necessary but it is also pushing against the extrovert in me in every way.
This morning I woke up slowly after not being able to fall asleep until around 4. Normally caffeine doesn’t phase me but with everything else in this world going on I suppose I need to be more mindful of how sensitive my body has become.
Because all of the days are bleeding together I decided to try to do today a little different so I got up and showered before I even came down for my coffee. I put on one of my favorite chemises, a pair of earrings and a little perfume. I’m hoping this will be the buoy I need to keep me in a good mental space through the day.
It’s bizarre to think that we could be doing this exact thing 2 or 3 months from now but the alternative is so grim – we all just have to readjust and try to do our best. I think a new routine for now would be beneficial for me and I miss the mornings because I’m so productive and motivated during the earlier part of the day so this week the kid is gonna try to get it together. Hope wherever you are reading this that you too are safe and happy.
I woke up this morning fully prepared to do absolutely nothing as most of us are since pandemic and all but I quickly righted my ship and took a long walk while the weather was beautiful. It was so nice to be outdoors and feel the sun on my skin. Obviously, there’s nothing really preventing me from setting on my porch or going out into my backyard except my own neuroses and so moving my body and being outside felt so, so good. I idled back, took a shower and made lunch. I contemplated napping but ended up sitting on my stoop and reading for a bit. My neighbor has a wildly aggressive colony of wasps under her porch and once they started to get loud enough that I could hear them, I came inside. I made dinner and sat with M and I’ve been in bed watching the final two episodes of Elementary off and on for a bit while Shiro sleeps contentedly next to me. All in all, not a bad day.
My communication bandwidth has been running low. I love my people so deeply but I am also in this weird space where part of me just wants to be quiet until I don’t. That is a weird sentence to type, especially from me because all talk, all the time but these are weird times, I guess.
I can’t imagine that 2020 is the year anyone thought it was going to be. I am an optimist but even I, she of the glass half-full spirit – is weary. It’s difficult to try to stay in a good frame of mind when every bit of media is doom and gloom and when leaving your house can feel like a choice between temporary freedom and illness. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but I am also vacillate between anxious and angry. The anxiousness feels like something I can continue to work on but the anger probably won’t ever go away. Every day I worry about this country being led by a sociopath and get sick at the idea that people are so broken that he might get to be in control of it for 4 more years. Point blank – I just don’t get it.
I haven’t fully fleshed out exactly what I’d like to do here besides the obvious but I feel good about it for the time being. I am hoping that writing will give me a bit of a space to channel all of my feeeeeelings and to share things that give me, and you, a little bit of a reprieve from this mad world. God knows we all need it.