I’ve been trying to write this post for just shy of a week. I open the tab, start writing and walk away. I delete everything and close the tab, I’ll come back, I say. I come back – lather, rinse, repeat. I don’t know that I’m going to feel better after I write it but at least I will have done it.
Last week was weird. The first week since all of this begun that didn’t feel quite as heavy. It’s still incredibly hard to be away from people you love deeply but here we (still) are.
Monday, in our normal Duo – was the first time since I’ve known that THE MOVE was happening that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with J. It’s not that I don’t feel safe in that space but more that my heart is breaking about being away from them. The pandemic changed everything. Everything. Took away our ability to spend these final days together. Forced the move to happen sooner. Separated me and the baby and I hate it so deeply I can’t even put it in words. I know this change is right and good for their family but it is so hard. We’ll be fine. I know we will be fine but it’s also facing the fact that things will be different because they have to be different.
For more than a decade we’ve forged this bond – a relationship that is incredibly rich, forgiving, educating, thoughtful, fun and loving and that’s changing and I am sad about it. So sad.
I guess I’d avoided writing about it because it would feel real and because I know I’d be hovering over this keyboard a mess of snot and tears (spoiler alert: that is exactly what is happening). Again – I’m so happy for them. This is such an exciting new chapter and it holds so much promise and goodness but they’re such an integral part of my chosen family that it seems impossible that I’ll ever be able to reconcile how my life looks without them in it the way they were before the pandemic.
Again, we will be fine. I know this. Because we chose one another and because we love each other – it will be okay. But for now – I’m just going to allow myself to be sad.
Still social distancing, still not easy. J told me early on that her therapist said to shoot for a C grade, passing and that has absolutely stuck with me. Lately, I’ve taken to saying I’m at level which is probably my C equivalent.
It’s hard to try to just be because that not the way that any of us were taught to exist and so I keep reminding myself that by and large, there is nothing that needs to be done and everything will still be there when this is over.
Tuesday we watched the virtual funeral for Eteye Woudnesh an it was hard. Nobody likes funerals but I would avoid them at all costs if I could and yet, it felt odd to not be there for her because she was someone who I adored a great deal and who was very special to The Ethiopian. The ceremony was lovely and I’m glad our family across the world was able to see it as well and I’m glad she’s at peace. We’re going to miss her so much.
I miss work. I miss people. And I still know that this is absolutely for the best but it is hard. So hard. I’m trying to write because I do think it’s important to remember how we navigated these things. Plus, let’s be real – I’m not going to journal on paper.
I’m going to look back at this time and be like – what the hell were you doing when you couldn’t be bothered to update this thing? The answer is absolutely nothing. It’s kind of like Groundhog’s Day (I have never watched this in entirety so if I’m wrong – my bad) with a few mitigating variables. I know, K – N – O – W, how lucky I am to have a home and a partner who is still working and, and, and but it still feels so weird to not be actively working and to be pretty much indoors all day every day.
Also worth nothing – I wrote the above paragraph about a week ago and then promptly closed the window because my brain is a salad spinner incapable of standing still. Today I saw my godbaby from 6 feet away and it was joyful and sad and torturous but I managed to not cry so I’m counting the visit as a victory.
I keep expecting to wake up and feel different and maybe therein lies the problem – it’s never going to not feel dystopian to have to be in your home all day, every day. And I do fully recognize that it’s necessary but it is also pushing against the extrovert in me in every way.
Let’s face it – planning what you’re going to cook is the absolute pits. I feel like 86% of my mental capacity on any given day is spent trying to decide what I need to add to my instacart/amazon carts and subsequently, what I’m going to cook with the ingredients from those carts. So, I figured I would share some links to things I’ve cooked in recent days that are worth your time. If you have suggestions for me please send them to me on twitter or instagram dm me
Panda Express Copycat Black Pepper Chicken
Indian Style Creamed Spinach
Butternut Squash Ravioli With Brown Butter Sauce, Spinach + Walnuts (I skipped the walnuts because I didn’t have any and it was still wildly delicious)
Easy chocolate mousse (SO GOOD! I strongly suggest mixing dark chocolate w/ semisweet or some combo therein)
Chrissy Teigen’s Split Pea Soup w/ Crispy Hot Dogs from her cookbook, Cravings (I know, seems weird, was delicious)
This morning I woke up slowly after not being able to fall asleep until around 4. Normally caffeine doesn’t phase me but with everything else in this world going on I suppose I need to be more mindful of how sensitive my body has become.
Because all of the days are bleeding together I decided to try to do today a little different so I got up and showered before I even came down for my coffee. I put on one of my favorite chemises, a pair of earrings and a little perfume. I’m hoping this will be the buoy I need to keep me in a good mental space through the day.
It’s bizarre to think that we could be doing this exact thing 2 or 3 months from now but the alternative is so grim – we all just have to readjust and try to do our best. I think a new routine for now would be beneficial for me and I miss the mornings because I’m so productive and motivated during the earlier part of the day so this week the kid is gonna try to get it together. Hope wherever you are reading this that you too are safe and happy.