Fear Of Consequence

I got an email recently reminding me that this domain was set to expire in 30 days which made me think – maybe you should write some of the things you’ve been saying you wanted to write and so here I am. Writing. Kind of wild to think about the amount of time that I’ve been doing this off and on with no real goal other than to commit some things to memory and because I’m sentimental. Also, because I still like writing into the ether or for the handful of you who are still on this ride with me.

Yesterday was a good day. Went and played in the sunflower fields with Yo and Jah. I don’t know that I’ve written it publicly before but my friendship with Yo is one of the best things to ever come out of this pandemic. The times that the foundations of our relationships are built can make the relationships themselves so curious. We talked yesterday a lot about how we approach various relationships in our lives with/without the fear of consequence. Because I am generally a happy and pretty outspoken person – I think people assume I’m always down to be that but the truth is that I really dislike confrontation. I don’t like things to hang in the air and I hate unsettled feelings but the idea of confrontation is not one that I enjoy and so I avoid it because the idea of the consequence stops me.

Right now, I can think of at least 4 difficult conversations I should probably have and at least 3 of them will probably never happen because I fear the consequence. I don’t know that I feel as if the ones that won’t happen will fundamentally change the relationships, but I’m also not sure if they can be fruitful. Is that ridiculous? I know that in a perfect world I’d have these relationships where people I love would know and understand that the things I’m saying come from a place of pureness and never with mal-intent but I suppose that previous interactions have taught me that’s not always the case.