Winning

If I had to pick a recurring theme through my years in blogging I’d say it would be relationships. Primarily, it’s me lauding my friends and telling you how crazy amazing they are (because they are!) but sometimes it’s me working out my feeeeelings in the only way I know how to – with words. The internet is magical when it’s not being terrible and it has bought some spectacular people into my life, some who have been around more than a decade. I am, however, finding that often – my relationships online that burn the brightest are also the ones that become supernovas, fizzling out in spectacular fashion. I always raise my hand to include myself in this extinguishing. What could I have done differently? Was I wrong? Sometimes I have those answers and sometimes I’m left just not quite understanding why. This is why people go to therapy. Me? I write.

I write about these thing as a way to soothe myself. To purge myself of negative feelings and to move forward. There’s never a winner. Never. Even though admittedly, I like to win. There’s no solace in being the person who doesn’t acknowledge a loss or that feelings have been hurt. That’s not how I’ve taught myself to operate. But, over time I’ve learned that when a relationship veers off onto unpaved road sometimes you have to just walk away in order to save yourelf. I’ve spoken numerous times about how I’m always the person looking to give someone the benefit of the doubt, often to my own detriment and as I get closer to my fortieth decade on this planet, that’s not something I want to continue to do, I deserve better than that – we all do.

Friendships are important to me, they center me and keep me accountable and without my friends? I’m lame. So, losing one stings. Will I get over myself? Yes. Will I have other friends? Definitely. But for now, I’m still here, writing and feeling my feelings.