Better

In a haphazard moment, you come rushing to the front of my mind. I try not to think about you too long because inevitably that means tears. I want so badly to replace those tears with smiles and the good stuff but memories don’t really work like that. They do their own thing – steal your joy, take your breath and knock you to your knees. Memories, they can be jerks.

Sometimes I feel regret, usually it’s paired with a giant helping of guilt. I always wanted better for you. Better for me. Better for us. And I know better. I know this is not what I’m supposed to think or feel. I know that what came to pass was better for me and ultimately I’d hoped it would be better for you.

I text your Mom instead of calling her because when I hear her voice my heart feels like it’s on fire. Today she told me that the woman who loved you after me has a new boyfriend and has for quite some time. I wish I were the kind of person who could take that piece of information, shelf it & never think about it again – but I’m not. I know everyone has to go on but I’ll be honest – I’m judging that she did it so soon.

I miss you all the time. I’m happy though, except when I’m not :) I know you can’t hurry healing but I want to be in that space where every time that I speak your name, it fills me with joy. I want to be better. For you. For me.

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