Love & Loss

I’m going through and backdating some older entries that are favorite things I’ve written/posted through the years.

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”
– Mitch Albom

Today I found out that someone who I count as one of my life’s loves, died. I just wrote that. It’s an actual true sentence and when I say I’m not exactly sure how to go on being the person I was before I found that out? I am not exaggerating in the least.

You know how people say I feel like a part of my died with that person? I feel that and I am trying so hard to reject it because I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to be sad. I keep saying that because it’s true. I don’t want to be. Feeling sad fucking sucks. I want to go back to the time before I heard that voicemail and returned that call. I want my friend to not be dead. I want to not be here, spilling tears on my keyboard and saying to you that I loved this person and they’re gone and not coming back.

Death has this super sharp way of realigning your focus. It’s a punch in the gut, but it happens. I have all of these memories and feelings and just…stuff and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m trying to go on with putting one proverbial foot in front of the other – left, right, left, right but everything just feels so damn stupid and pointless.

I know the sadness breaks, I know. I’m way too practical not to recognize that but in the meantime the weight of it is just massive. I function better writing my feelings out than trying to articulate them – so that’s why I’m here. I waffled on whether or not to talk about it at all because what I shared with this person who is no longer here was so fiercely personal and important to who I am as a human being. There will never be a day that I’m on this Earth that I’m not thankful for having known him.

I don’t know if I’ll write about or mention this again because I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. What I know right now is that my heart is heavy and my friend is gone and I just….I’m sad.

Posted in kds