Yesterday, I reminded myself (in my head) at least 10 times that I needed to update my blog. I then was in bed, watching episodes of V (so good!) and looked over at the clock to realize that it was past midnight and I'd let time pass me by. Oops! I'm thinking to keep the party going, I'm going to do Grace In Small Things daily next month. We will see if I can actually make that happen.
My hormones are playing a weird game of question everything, and naturally I am playing along. I've been living in my head a lot lately, not saying out loud things I probably need to say. Maybe not in the way that they sound in my head, but at least articulating them in a way that nobody's feelings get hurt and I can feel good about having said them. I was laying in bed last night (post V – so good!) whispering with my husband about some of the chatter in my head, which felt so good. So good to have him listen, and so good to not be carrying it around.
I talk a lot here about how amazing my friends are, and they are. They are spectacular, awesome, awe-inspiring, smart, beautiful and a myriad of other adjectives. But that doesn't mean that from time to time, that these relationships don't need to be calibrated. Just a quick check-in to make sure that the input is equal to the output. My once therapist called me a sponge. She said I was one of those people who would absorb and absorb and then never get wrung out. She's probably right, and given the amount of money I spent at therapy and her PhD, I should probably trust that she knows what she's talking about. Still, even knowing that doesn't make it easier to wring yourself out.
Sometimes I wished that I cared less about certain things. That my feelings weren't quite as delicate as they are. I might come off tough, but I'm made of tape and string. Going forward, I need to remember to check in with myself. Remind myself that not everyone sees friendship quite the same way as I do, and really, that's okay.