Let?s talk about the grocery store self-checkout for a moment. Originally intended to be a brilliant way to allow people with a few items or a superiority complex about their bagging skills to do their own thing at the checkout quickly and get out of the store and thus,  further enabling that whole agoraphobia thing.

What the self-checkout has turned into is a harried place where people who have no business scanning their own groceries go. Listen, I like kids, I might even like your kids – but at the self-checkout, you need to contain them. Stop them from trying to weigh your bananas or help you bag because it makes everything grind to a halt and look – I just want to go home without having to talk to someone.

To the guy waiting in line huffing and puffing at me wearing the J. Crew urban professional uniform (you?ve seen it – khaki pants, blue button-down, tie), quit making me feel like I can?t scan fast enough. You can hurry up and wait or go get in another line dude. You?re making me feel inadequate over groceries.

For the overly helpful cashier – I am here because I do not want/need your help. Please, I do not want to talk about the weather or discuss with you the things I am purchasing. I?m being this asocial for a reason.

To the actual self-checkout machine. Quit being such an asshole. I?m not stealing groceries, and I?m trying to be kind by bringing my own bags so recognize that will you so that I can stop calling over that super friendly cashier, okay?

Hmm, maybe it would just be easier to have someone else scan and bag my groceries? That my solve all my problems.