The Opposite Of Easy

Weight Loss Surgery is not easy. There. I said it and it's true. I think that I've glossed over a lot of things in writing about surgery and what it's like to be a fat person. I don't do that for any real reason other than I like not to make myself the spokesperson for something that so many people feel wildly passionate about.

Not until I was at my fattest right before surgery did I really start to step back and see things for what they were. To really have to take an inventory of your life and see it for what it is, is a really difficult thing to do. People laughed and made jokes, sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly. I can?t tell you how embarrassing it is to be offered a chair with no arms in a restaurant because you won?t fit into a ?regular? chair.

When I walked into a room, I immediately sized up where I was going to sit to be the most comfortable and to ensure that I wouldn't break anything. I always looked to see if there was someone as fat as I was, and mostly there wasn?t.  While I think that I?m pretty well-adjusted, being that person can be isolating. It?s one of these things is not like the other magnified because I?m wearing all of my faults and my problems for the world to see.

These are the kinds of things that I dealt with every single day of my very fat life. Over time, I learned to internalize and deal with them, because they were/are my own issues and no one else?s. And look, I?m not asking for pity or sorrow. I promise you that I am not. Each and every pound I gained was something that I did to myself, and I did it deliciously I might add. Sure, other factors played into my obesity – but mostly, I'm just someone who loves food and lots of it.

When I hear people talk about how I (or anyone else) chose the easy way out, it makes me so incensed because my day to day is not easy. My relationship with food is a battle. It's always going to be a battle. I wish there were a simple way for me to explain to you why that is, but I can't ? mostly because I don?t know myself.

And when people call weight loss surgery the easy way out ? I?m so surprised that it?s mostly other fat people. Being fat is such an integral part of who I am. It?s part of my identity, my personality – virtually every part of me and yet being fat is not everything that I am.

Having surgery is not about me rejecting my fat girl self. It is about trying to take back a part of my life (my health) that was in a really shitty place. I didn?t have surgery because I hated myself, I didn?t mutilate my body and I don?t regret my decision. But really, all of that is none of your business, and I say that with the least amount of smarminess possible. No one should have to legitimize these very personal decisions, least of all to someone who knows what kind of bias a fat person experiences on a daily basis.  It seems to me really, that the judgment never really ends.

I like to think that this beleaguered decision I?ve made, this HUGE thing that I?ve done was the right thing. It may not be right for the next person, but for me ? it was. Ultimately I think everyone wants to feel that they belong somewhere. Whether you?re a hipster, a vegan or an unicyclist. Everyone has that very human, fundamental desire to belong to something.  Once a fat girl, always a fat girl ? that is a motto that I believe in. It?s who I am and who I?ll always be and by and large I?m okay with that statement because I always tell people ? I think that there are a lot worse things in life to be besides fat, but please know that it?s never easy.