I got an email recently reminding me that this domain was set to expire in 30 days which made me think – maybe you should write some of the things you’ve been saying you wanted to write and so here I am. Writing. Kind of wild to think about the amount of time that I’ve been doing this off and on with no real goal other than to commit some things to memory and because I’m sentimental. Also, because I still like writing into the ether or for the handful of you who are still on this ride with me.
Yesterday was a good day. Went and played in the sunflower fields with Yo and Jah. I don’t know that I’ve written it publicly before but my friendship with Yo is one of the best things to ever come out of this pandemic. The times that the foundations of our relationships are built can make the relationships themselves so curious. We talked yesterday a lot about how we approach various relationships in our lives with/without the fear of consequence. Because I am generally a happy and pretty outspoken person – I think people assume I’m always down to be that but the truth is that I really dislike confrontation. I don’t like things to hang in the air and I hate unsettled feelings but the idea of confrontation is not one that I enjoy and so I avoid it because the idea of the consequence stops me.
Right now, I can think of at least 4 difficult conversations I should probably have and at least 3 of them will probably never happen because I fear the consequence. I don’t know that I feel as if the ones that won’t happen will fundamentally change the relationships, but I’m also not sure if they can be fruitful. Is that ridiculous? I know that in a perfect world I’d have these relationships where people I love would know and understand that the things I’m saying come from a place of pureness and never with mal-intent but I suppose that previous interactions have taught me that’s not always the case.
This weekend, The Ethiopian and our close friend are renovating our home’s one, very tiny bathroom. Because I don’t want to interrupt their work flow with my need to pee or have to pee in a bucket, I fled my home and am staying in a hotel nearby. I really don’t stay in hotels very often so I forgot how luxurious it is to sleep in a king-sized bed and just how dark blackout curtains actually are in a hotel (VERY!). Also, because of the pandemic – I’ve only been in my own home for an incredibly long time and this has been kind of nice. I also picked a place that I can walk easily to a Starbucks (important!) and to food – or just get out and walk in general and that was just an A+ decision on my part.
Yesterday I watched the Hamilton film and it was so good. It’s kind of funny how much I love Broadway (especially musicals) and have never been to one. I just told Y yesterday that one of my dreams would be to stay in New York for a week and see a show every day that I’m there. It’s a big and expensive dream but I’m putting it into the universe all the same.
I also spent time watching old episodes of Cougar Town and generally just lazing about. It did not suck. Today my plan is much of the same. Going to do some private journaling, maybe pick up my Kindle and just spend time with my thoughts. It’s such an incredibly weird 4th of July with the pandemic happening and I’m actually thankful to be out of the city because the fireworks are non-stop and annoying.
It’s wild to think about how the days simultaneously seem to drag on and on and fly by at the same damn time.
*I’m keeping the title of this post even though when it goes up it will be almost July. I’ve been starting things here and letting them languish in draft which is pointless and defeats the whole point of resurrected the blog but here we are.
The world is marching on but it still very much feels like we’re living in a weird simulation. I feel strongly that we’re going to end up back in an intense lockdown situation so I’ve been preparing myself as much as I can for that.
We’re starting a bathroom reno that I am prayerful goes smoothly and I’ll be in a hotel this weekend because I’m a brat who refuses to pee in a bucket. Actually, I don’t think that makes me bratty – I think that makes me a person who knows what her upper limits are and that is absolutely one of them.
My current plan is to wear lingerie, drink wine, and spend a few days in my pajamas reading and being idle. I’ll have to leave for food occasionally which is good but otherwise the whole thing will be a change of scenery and my bathroom will be less of a nightmare when I return – which, amen because I really, really hate it in its current state.
I’ve spent a lot of the parts of the social distancing/isolation times in my head even more than usual. Really thinking about relationships – what they look like, how they do/don’t serve me and that kind of thing. I feel like it becomes harder to let people go with age which is silly – you’d think I’d be more discerning about it. The more interesting part when I think about it, is that when I make a final decision that a relationship is over? I commit and I mean it but I’ve been trying to pick apart the reasons why that breaking point is so long for me.
Kind of crazy to think how much of our lives we spend in actual disservice to who we are and how hard it is to undo the things we know are no good.
I’ve been trying to write this post for just shy of a week. I open the tab, start writing and walk away. I delete everything and close the tab, I’ll come back, I say. I come back – lather, rinse, repeat. I don’t know that I’m going to feel better after I write it but at least I will have done it.
Last week was weird. The first week since all of this begun that didn’t feel quite as heavy. It’s still incredibly hard to be away from people you love deeply but here we (still) are.
Monday, in our normal Duo – was the first time since I’ve known that THE MOVE was happening that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with J. It’s not that I don’t feel safe in that space but more that my heart is breaking about being away from them. The pandemic changed everything. Everything. Took away our ability to spend these final days together. Forced the move to happen sooner. Separated me and the baby and I hate it so deeply I can’t even put it in words. I know this change is right and good for their family but it is so hard. We’ll be fine. I know we will be fine but it’s also facing the fact that things will be different because they have to be different.
For more than a decade we’ve forged this bond – a relationship that is incredibly rich, forgiving, educating, thoughtful, fun and loving and that’s changing and I am sad about it. So sad.
I guess I’d avoided writing about it because it would feel real and because I know I’d be hovering over this keyboard a mess of snot and tears (spoiler alert: that is exactly what is happening). Again – I’m so happy for them. This is such an exciting new chapter and it holds so much promise and goodness but they’re such an integral part of my chosen family that it seems impossible that I’ll ever be able to reconcile how my life looks without them in it the way they were before the pandemic.
Again, we will be fine. I know this. Because we chose one another and because we love each other – it will be okay. But for now – I’m just going to allow myself to be sad.
Still social distancing, still not easy. J told me early on that her therapist said to shoot for a C grade, passing and that has absolutely stuck with me. Lately, I’ve taken to saying I’m at level which is probably my C equivalent.
It’s hard to try to just be because that not the way that any of us were taught to exist and so I keep reminding myself that by and large, there is nothing that needs to be done and everything will still be there when this is over.
Tuesday we watched the virtual funeral for Eteye Woudnesh an it was hard. Nobody likes funerals but I would avoid them at all costs if I could and yet, it felt odd to not be there for her because she was someone who I adored a great deal and who was very special to The Ethiopian. The ceremony was lovely and I’m glad our family across the world was able to see it as well and I’m glad she’s at peace. We’re going to miss her so much.
I miss work. I miss people. And I still know that this is absolutely for the best but it is hard. So hard. I’m trying to write because I do think it’s important to remember how we navigated these things. Plus, let’s be real – I’m not going to journal on paper.