A L O V E D L I F E

Today was one of those days that even if I’d had a crystal ball to look into beforehand, I almost certainly still wouldn’t have believed that it would unfold the way that it did. I hate when people write publicly on the internet but they’re cryptic but let’s be real – only like 4 people max are reading this and I’m writing to remember above any and everything else.

I try to practice staying in a space of gratitude as much as I can. I keep a gratitude journal, I practice positive affirmations, I try to always remember to say I appreciate – because these things are important to me. This has helped me (try!) to stay focused on creating a life that is surrounded by people who make me feel as if the ways in which I show up are enough. This, as I am sure the four of you can imagine – is often easier said than done but nevertheless – ya girl persisted.

Today – my friend showed up in a way that made me stop what I was doing, listen and then cry in gratitude (a lot). It has been a friendship that has had peaks, valleys and all of the terrain in-between but it is valuable and important to me and today my friend really outdid themselves. BIG TIME. For me – letting people show up is hard. It pushes up against the part of me that gets nervous about being vulnerable or tipping the friendship scales too much in the other direction. But today I stopped myself from undoing this massive kindness and just said thank you.

I don’t want to forget today. The bright moments were breathlessly lovely and I will go to bed tonight with a full heart and for that I am thankful.

I don’t know what I expected life to be like after my friend J gave birth to my godbaby. I’d watched her body stretch and grow and then stood at the foot of her hospital bed as he pushed into this world but none of those are indicators of – well, anything.  I don’t think I ever articulated how nervous I felt that our relationship would change or worse, languish – simply because having children of my own ended up not being part of my story. And it wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in our relationship – J is truly one of the most amazing human beings but things change and that made me nervous.

What I didn’t know then was just how much J giving birth would strengthen the fabric of our relationship. From friends to sisters just like that.With that sisterhood came this absolutely incredible relationship with her baby. OUR baby as she so often referred to him as. She allowed me access to this child in a way that I’d never experienced. She never batted an eyelash when he called her, her wife or myself – mama because she knew that all he meant was – that is a person I love and who cares for me.

He is the light of my life. A dimpled charmer who hates to lose and loves to laugh. I delight in him and the inverse is true as well. He is the biggest gift I have ever gotten in this life and I am so profoundly grateful to her for sharing him with me. Every time he holds my hand or snuggles with me – I am lit up from the inside out. He’s the franks and I’m the beans and together we make, a really great team.

J – if/when you read this – thank you. Hardly seems huge enough to express my gratitude and love for you but I hope that when you see your kid with me you know that I would move mountains for him…and for you.

Not going to lie – it feels weird to be writing personally in a wordpress box. I’ve kicked around the idea of writing online a lot. Started some thing and then quickly abandoned them because who has the time and who cares? Ultimately – I think where I’ve landed is that I actually do have the time and I (kinda, sorta) care about writing and if maintaining this site is going to motivate me to do that? Maybe it’s worth it.

I don’t have any real plans for what this space will ultimately look like or what I’ll share here but I’m here and I am hoping it just gets easier to do this thing as time moves.