A L O V E D L I F E

I just renewed this domain. Why? If you know – please tell me. I’ll probably update it 6 times in the next year but there is something in me that is deeply unwilling to let it go. So, what I have been doing instead of writing here? The same shit I’ve been doing online forever. Scrolling endlessly on instagram, hurling my spaghetti thoughts at the twitter wall, online shopping. All things I need to be doing much less of and yet…

In amazing and brilliant news – my student loans got forgiven. I can’t even begin to put into words how huge that is for me. The idea of them looming in the background like some kind of financial boogeyman was a VERY BIG DEAL so to see that the balance was zero in writing? Wow.

Let’s wrap this rambling list of things I loved today and call it a day. I’ll see you (whoever is reading this!) when I see ya.

– getting to hold a perfectly chubby six month old baby
– leftover tacos for lunch
– when FW calls me darling
– driving alone and controlling the music without commentary
– Shiro snuggles

Time is fake. I am declaring it. I believe it. Can’t be real because how has it already been more than 2 weeks since I’ve updated this thing? At any rate – we’re not going to do that apologizing for living life or being idle because the real crux of the matter is that it’s just hard to remind yourself to write in a public space and to try to filter it in a way that feels authentic and true – damn it, I really miss the early 00’s.

I’m up and waiting on a coffee delivery before I head off to a job that is absolutely too late into the day to be doing (because it’s bright outside) but I am at the whim of the people who pay me and so I’m going and it will be fine. I’m working later today – taking senior photos which I love and wish I could do more of but that is absolutely not work that finds me – and I’m terribad at self-promotion. Note to self: work on that.

Tomorrow we’re celebrating our friend’s kid’s 1st birthday – she’s a real dollbaby of a human and I’m excited to photograph her and eat birthday cake.

M’s aunt (his father’s last living sibling) died last week. She was an absolute delight – warm, funny and impossibly kind. She spoke very little English and I speak a pre-schooler’s amount of Amharic but we always managed to get along and communicate and she always asked The Ethiopian about me when they chatted. Her death leaves a pretty big hole in our family but what a joy of a life.

I’ve been thinking about this space often and yet it’s hard to make myself log into wordpress and do the thing. I think part of it was just that those last vestiges of winter had my brain in vise grip and the winter blues marched on. So here is a bunch of random shit I’ve been thinking about lately in no particular order.

– I’ve said on more than one occasion to friends how covid has altered who I am forever. While I am still the very definition of an extrovert – I’ve become incredibly protective of my personal time. It can be hard to explain to people who love you and experience you in a specific way that this change isn’t about them but very much about you.

– Do you remember when The Secret was on Oprah and everyone in the whole world was on a wave of manifestation? And then just as quickly as everyone got on the train – they leapt off and decided it was hokum? Here is where I tell you in the last few years I’ve really sat with the idea of manifestation/positive thinking/prayer and tried to incorporate it into my day to day and let me tell you that the ways in which it has been a delight to me? UNDEFEATED.

– Reciprocity is a word I use A LOT when I think about how I show up for people and how I want people to show up for me. I struggle sometimes to strike a balance in relationships without trying to gold medal in all of the things, always saying yes, etc. I often am guilty of giving too much of myself and then being resentful. This very much feels like a – you made your bed now you gotta lie in it situation but I guess when I’m trying to rationalize the thing – I think to myself how weird/wild it is to ask people to show up for you in ways that you never show up for them or others. That doesn’t mean you have to be just like me but also – don’t ask me to pick you up from BWI (IYKYK) if you would never do the same.

I’ve opened up this box a bunch of times and started typing a bunch of word salad that’s in my big head only to save it to draft because the thoughts didn’t feel fully fleshed out and I’m still not sure how open/vulnerable I want to be in this space yet. I’m toying with the idea of password-protecting some posts so if you see one of those pop up and you want in – please let me know (first name @ g m a i l or message me on insta/twitter).

A thing I’ve been saying often is how it takes so much of our lives to kind of figure it all out and then you spend the back half of this thing trying to implement it all. Part of me thinks we just overcomplicate the fuck out of everything when life is quite simple but having lived for 44 years – I know that narrative isn’t all the way right. let’s be honest – it’s kind of wild to still be a work in progress after all this time – when am I going to achieve nirvana? Laughing out loud but also – serious face.

This post is giving existential crisis vibes and I promise you it’s just pms (I’m laughing).

Today was one of those days that even if I’d had a crystal ball to look into beforehand, I almost certainly still wouldn’t have believed that it would unfold the way that it did. I hate when people write publicly on the internet but they’re cryptic but let’s be real – only like 4 people max are reading this and I’m writing to remember above any and everything else.

I try to practice staying in a space of gratitude as much as I can. I keep a gratitude journal, I practice positive affirmations, I try to always remember to say I appreciate – because these things are important to me. This has helped me (try!) to stay focused on creating a life that is surrounded by people who make me feel as if the ways in which I show up are enough. This, as I am sure the four of you can imagine – is often easier said than done but nevertheless – ya girl persisted.

Today – my friend showed up in a way that made me stop what I was doing, listen and then cry in gratitude (a lot). It has been a friendship that has had peaks, valleys and all of the terrain in-between but it is valuable and important to me and today my friend really outdid themselves. BIG TIME. For me – letting people show up is hard. It pushes up against the part of me that gets nervous about being vulnerable or tipping the friendship scales too much in the other direction. But today I stopped myself from undoing this massive kindness and just said thank you.

I don’t want to forget today. The bright moments were breathlessly lovely and I will go to bed tonight with a full heart and for that I am thankful.

I don’t know what I expected life to be like after my friend J gave birth to my godbaby. I’d watched her body stretch and grow and then stood at the foot of her hospital bed as he pushed into this world but none of those are indicators of – well, anything.  I don’t think I ever articulated how nervous I felt that our relationship would change or worse, languish – simply because having children of my own ended up not being part of my story. And it wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in our relationship – J is truly one of the most amazing human beings but things change and that made me nervous.

What I didn’t know then was just how much J giving birth would strengthen the fabric of our relationship. From friends to sisters just like that.With that sisterhood came this absolutely incredible relationship with her baby. OUR baby as she so often referred to him as. She allowed me access to this child in a way that I’d never experienced. She never batted an eyelash when he called her, her wife or myself – mama because she knew that all he meant was – that is a person I love and who cares for me.

He is the light of my life. A dimpled charmer who hates to lose and loves to laugh. I delight in him and the inverse is true as well. He is the biggest gift I have ever gotten in this life and I am so profoundly grateful to her for sharing him with me. Every time he holds my hand or snuggles with me – I am lit up from the inside out. He’s the franks and I’m the beans and together we make, a really great team.

J – if/when you read this – thank you. Hardly seems huge enough to express my gratitude and love for you but I hope that when you see your kid with me you know that I would move mountains for him…and for you.

Not going to lie – it feels weird to be writing personally in a wordpress box. I’ve kicked around the idea of writing online a lot. Started some thing and then quickly abandoned them because who has the time and who cares? Ultimately – I think where I’ve landed is that I actually do have the time and I (kinda, sorta) care about writing and if maintaining this site is going to motivate me to do that? Maybe it’s worth it.

I don’t have any real plans for what this space will ultimately look like or what I’ll share here but I’m here and I am hoping it just gets easier to do this thing as time moves.